xv: falling again

i couldn't sleep very well last night.

i tried. i tried to sleep. but it just didn't happen.

when light started to pour through the window of my apartment, i knew it was no use anymore. i got dressed and headed to north river park.

there was an oak tree there, huge and ancient. it had been old even when giles and i were younger, even when we'd first chosen it as our meeting place. i pass it every day on my way to the mountebank club. every time, it makes me think of giles. every time, it makes my heart hurt.

it's huge, like i said, huge and old. it's gnarled and knotted and the branches go everywhere but it's so beautiful and so strong.

giles told me when we were younger that it's a bur oak, that they can be from 200 to 400 years old. he said with an arm around my shoulder and a sparkle in his eye that he hoped they didn't cut it down to see for sure.

i patted that old oak tree on its knot before sitting down on the ground, taking out the sandwich i'd brought for breakfast, and waiting for giles.

i was terrified, if i'm being honest.

i've been with the mountebanks so long that i think i've forgotten what it feels like for other people to want me around. it can be hard to break out of the notion that you're replaceable, a cog in the machine that can be taken out and swapped in for someone else without issue. it makes it hard to think of yourself as wanted. it makes it feel like anyone who says they care about you is lying to protect your feelings.

you can imagine the reaction my darker part had when i heard from someone i'd pined after for so long that he loved me too, someone i hadn't known for three years for as much as i'd thought about him since then.

he's lying. he's trying to trick you into becoming vulnerable just so he can tear you down. the timberwolves are setting a trap and he is the willing bait.

but as i ate my sandwich beneath that old bur oak, it occurred to me that even that would be better than what i had with the mountebanks.

as giles approached, all of it faded away.

he outstretched his hand to me, and i took it. he pulled me up and into a hug. and for the first time in years, i was happy.